


AUTUMN

by Yugata



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 06:42:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15091226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yugata/pseuds/Yugata
Summary: Zhu Zhengting and Cai Xukun are friends but for Zhengting, Xukun is more than just a friend. How does Zhengting cope with his feelings? Will he confess or give up?





	AUTUMN

I created a delusion, a utopia where Xukun and I are living happily together, no worries, no restriction, just us. Having a cute little child, taking care of each other. The world, filled with love. The dream fills me with euphoria until the reality gives me a checkmate. My all imagined paradise abruptly crashes down when I see him in someone else hug. It’s painful to see the love in his eyes are not directed towards me. How many years has it been that I’m unrequitedly in love with my best friend? 6 years? 5 years? Truthfully, it hurts the fact that we were not meant to be together. I am not the one he loves, it hurts that I am only his friend who understands him the most. It frustrates me when I see him making love with her but I can’t do anything except faking my smile and blaming myself for falling in love with my own best friend. I want to confess to him but every time I open my mouth to mutter the words, the fear of losing a friend ceases me. What if he finds out that I’m gay? What if he finds out that I love him? Will everything be over? No, I can’t let that happen. I can never ruin my friendship with my own hands. I won’t ever let him know my true feelings for him. And that is how I created a facade as his best friend.

14th Oct , it’s Xukun birthday. I know what he wants for his birthday. We have been friends for so long that I know every details about him, his likes and dislikes, his favorite wine, his favorite perfume, his favorite clothes brand, his shoe size, everything. I wanted to give him something that he loves and is useful so I entered the watch shop. I wandered around the shop and finally picked one, the golden Patek Philippe. I was happy and excited to give him my gift but as I knocked at the door of his apartment, a familiar face welcomed me. It was his girlfriend, Anna. It pained when I saw her in his apartment in the early morning. “Were they together yesterday night?” My imagination ran wild but didn’t dare to ask her and greeted with a faint smile. As soon as I entered the apartment, Xukun greeted me with a big smile, standing up from the couch where he was reading magazine. I immediately wished him Happy Birthday and handed over him the watch that I had bought for him. His overwhelmed and smiling face was so mesmerizing that I could not stop staring him without smiling but the presence of Anna broke my concentration as she came near to Sarang and appreciate my thoughtfulness for the gift. I simply smiled and jokingly asked if I disturbed their privacy in the early morning. “Of course Idiot. We were having such a quality time together but you disturbed us.” Xukun pouted and I really found it cute. Anna immediately cut off his words as she asked me to join breakfast with them. I could not say no and I joined them. 

I was envious on how Xukun and Anna look natural together. I could see the love and the devotion for each other in their eyes as they were cuddling. But why am I not happy? I chose this path myself, I chose to hide my true feeling. It was my choice to stay by his side as his friend. Why does my heart hurt? I have been holding my feelings for too long that I can’t even let myself fall in love with others. It feels like I’m living my life in a loveless solitude. I want to be loved by him, I want him to hold me and I want him to look at me with those intimating eyes. There’s no way of attaining my selfish wishes but I can only blame myself for not having enough courage to convey my true feelings. I should move on but I can’t. I don’t know how long I can really live this.

Even though we are from different company, we would often meet in the bar. We would talk about a lot of things. After getting drunk, Xukun would always complain about his new director of the company and I had to listen to all of his whining until he passes out. It’s funny how he is unaware of my feelings and I need to hide all my self-consciousness around him, act cool and listen to him. This has become a part of my life and it would make me happy that he trust me the most but at the same time it makes me broken hearted when he calls out Anna’s name when he’s drunk. “Can’t it be me?” I question myself every time I see Sarang and Anna together. 

One fine day, when I was taking my leave from the company with Justin, a familiar voice called out my name “Zhengting”. As I turned back to the voice, Xukun was waving his hands smiling. I smiled back and he asked me to join him to drink. I waved my goodbye to Justin and we went to our usual bar in the downtown. After some shots of drink, I finally asked him the reason to meet suddenly. He hesitated shyly and finally opened his mouth, “Anna and I decided to get married.” I choked the drink, it was so sudden that I was confused. My mind got hazed and I don’t remember what he talked afterwards. After some hours, we parted our own ways. It was raining and I was soaking wet alone in the street. I couldn’t hold myself and my feelings and I cried alone. It was just like a movie where one gets their heart broken and they cry alone in the rain. I knew this would happen, I knew everything from the start. I thought I was prepared but now why my heart hurts, why can’t I accept the reality? Why am I being wasted?

The next morning, I caught cold and my whole body was aching. I looked at my phone and there were 50 missed calls from Xukun and Justin. I called back Justin to inform the company for my leave. I didn’t want to talk with anyone. I just wanted to be alone. The loss that I felt yesterday still pierced my heart with heaviness but I couldn’t even let myself cry like yesterday.

At dusk, I heard someone knocking at my door, it was Justin. He was holding some medicines and porridge in the bag. He just entered the kitchen and asked if I had any medicines or not. I just laid on the sofa and pretended to not listen to him. He is very conscious of health. In the past, he would frequently offer some vitamins and healthy drinks and always nags at me to take care of my health, just like my mom. “What happened last night?” he questioned me with his worried expression. I ignored his question and continue eating the porridge that he had brought. How am I supposed to say that the friend who I truly love is getting married with his girlfriend? 

“You love Xukun, right?” His question startled me. Even before I could answer, he added, “not as a friend but as in a romantic way.” He was staring at me and I froze there motionless. “How did he know? Am I too obvious? Does everyone know about this?” All these question were running in my mind and I couldn’t figure out any answer. Then suddenly he grabbed my hand and told me to relax. “But how do you know…” even before I could complete my sentence he said that he know. “The way you talk about him, the way you smile every time he comes to meet you, the way you look at him, it all screams that you’re madly in love with him.” He gave me a smile. I didn’t understand what was that smile for but I couldn’t even say any words. After a long pause he opened his mouth,

“But your love is really pitiful.”

“What do you really mean?” I rolled my eyes.

“I didn’t mean in that way. Don’t you think it’s time to tell him your feelings?” he spoke gently.

“I don’t know. What if….” I hesitated.

“What if he rejects you or break the friendship? All the sufferings you went through with your feelings, you know it better than anyone. Do you want to live rest of your life like this?” his voice softened.

“No, I don’t want to and I never expected him to love me back. I’m just happy to be by his side even just as a friend.” I stirred my porridge without even looking at him.

“It’s better to confess and get heartbroken than to never confess and still heartbroken. I know how it feels to have one-sided love and I know it is painful. I’m not telling you to let go of your feelings for him, but I’m only suggesting you to let go of your pain. I just want to see you happy.”

Justin stood up and got ready to go and on the way to door he asked me to think about it carefully. I was left alone with the chaos of my own thoughts. I’ve thought of telling Xukun about my feelings not only two or three times but thousand times but when every time I see him smiling, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to see that smile again. Like Justin said, ‘Am I really happy? Can I really live the rest of my life by suppressing this huge confession inside? Even if I confess to him, will we be able to keep our friendship like always?’ All these question were running through my mind without any solution. I felt lost and hopeless. I could not sleep properly and it was already morning.

The next morning, I was exhausted emotionally. I couldn’t focus on my work. Justin's words were resonating in my mind continuously. I picked up my phone and called Xukun and asked him to meet me near the company. He agreed. After the call ended, I regretted a little. I didn’t want to destroy our friendship but at the second thought, I didn’t want to live my life in a lie. As Justin said, it’s better to tell the truth then to regret later. But still the fear of losing a friend was engraved deep inside of me.

It was late afternoon and Xukun was already waiting for me outside the building. After seeing him, my mind got confused and my heart was in dilemma. I wanted to take more time to calm my nervousness and asked him to grab some foods before having any conversation. He didn’t say anything and just went along with me. After eating, we went to the down the street and he suddenly broke the silence as he asked me for the reason to call him all of a sudden.

"Umm…do you remember you once asked me if I have someone I truly like or not and I said that it’s a secret?”

“I do remember. You were being so mysterious back then. You never told me about her even though I told everything about my love life.” He pouted.

I gave a faint smile to his whining. “It was you.” I finally said it but now what? He looked confused and paused for a moment.

“Oi, don’t joke around. Be serious and tell me the truth.” He brushed his hair, annoyed.

“I am serious. You are the person who I truly love. I know it sounds stupid to tell you that I was in love with you for so many years but it really is true. I just wanted to tell you this and I’m not expecting you to return my feelings.” I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words.

“Since when?” he made a serious expression and I was confused.

“Since when did you started to have these feelings for me?” he looked pained. For a second I regretted my whole decision and I wanted turn back the time.

“Since high school…” I spoke in a low voice.

“Are you stupid? Why did not you tell me?”

“I was scared. The fear of losing you won over my feelings. I know you don’t love me in that way. You already have Anna by your side. I was scared that you will call off our friendship after hearing my confession.”

“We’ve been friends for so long and do you think that I’ll let our friendship break off that easily. I can’t imagine all the sufferings you went through but I genuinely hope that you can move on. I want your happiness too.” His eye softened.

“Yeah I will. Thanks” I smiled at him.

“Aye! What thanks, huh? We are friends. And I hope you find someone better. I know you will.”

That night the light in streets seemed really beautiful. After confessing him, I felt like I removed a huge stone from my heart. It felt light and happy. I’m glad that I made the right decision to tell him my feelings. I’m glad that I fell in love with someone who can accept me for who I am. I’m glad I fell in love with the right person. And now it’s already time to move on and I am moving on. By moving on, I didn’t end my love but I ended my sufferings of one-sided love. Just like the trees shed their leaves in autumn, I let go of the love that I was holding for years. This is my story of Autumn.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I wrote a fanfic so, any criticism, opinion, suggestion, advise is appreciated.I hope you enjoyed.


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